Rock to Rock: Here I go.
There a lot of moments in the day where I can’t seem to find myself. “This is not me, this is the drug,” is one of the mantras I use. Another is that “this is temporary” though I no longer look ahead to see if there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am down to a low dose, which is a great relief from the previous high dose prednisone weeks where I felt like I was dying, but now I just lack all rev. Those who know me as me, know that I am never one to sit still. They know I am a happy person and loves to suck all the juice out of life. I can be ridiculous, spontaneous, passionate, and full of energy. I used to go to surf camps in far off places. Now getting clothes from the washing machine to the dryer seems like a real bitch. Even if we weren’t in a pandemic, I could see how people wouldn’t want to be around me. Shit, I don’t. At least there a blow-up named Rafael who can only smile during my rainbow of moods.
In 2018 I went to Peru. Part of the trip was volunteer production work for a non-profit. The other part was personal travel as well as some healing work. Earlier that year I suffered my second Optic Neuritis attack after I was violated in a way I didn’t even know was possible. I had to deep dive to heal. In Peru I was looking for a way back to myself.
On that trip I visited Rainbow Mountain. To see this wonder of nature, you must hike roughly the last 2,000 feet to get to the 17,000 elevation. It is extremely physically challenging and locals offer paid horse rides along the way if you cannot or do not want to finish the hike. My hiking companion and I committed that we would walk the whole way. We stopped looking ahead to the peak because it felt unreachable at times. Rather we would pick a rock maybe 10 feet in front of us and once we would make it there, we would look to another goal that wasn’t so far away. In life and this modern world, this pace is very hard pace to get to, but I have to at this time. I have to heal myself now or the rest my life will be that peak; something beautiful and so far away.
Yesterday I spent the day alone and after tackling shoveling my corner lot and doing one load of laundry, I made bad choices. I day drank by myself and ate nothing of remote nutritional value. I mindlessly watched a few TV series that were mainly depressing. I didn’t shower. I cried a lot. I broke a few dishes and then I ripped every all the decorations from my Christmas Tree and I drug it out to my fire pit and I lit it on fire. I am sure the flames shooting higher than my fence freaked my neighbors out, but I can tell you, it felt awesome. The only cheer yesterday was my shout as the flame finally took hold of that kindling and the tree made the most incredible cracking. Yesterday, there were no songs or gifts or even one baked good. There was just me feeling the pain of trying to fight an invisible enemy for almost three years and being really tired of it. I let myself feel sorry for myself. I thought about the worst ways in which I see myself.
And then I made a list of things I have to do and went to bed. I gave myself permission yesterday to be angry, disappointed, and sad. And I did that because I had to before I started today. Today is the day that I am committing to my healing. I have some big decisions ahead and many of the choices I have to make will not be easy. But I am going to figure this out and I am going to heel myself and I am going to tell you about it here.
It is going to take a lot of work and the only person that can do it for me, is me. I have no idea how I am going to do it. But if I don’t, the colorful wonder of nature will always just be a peak in the distance. So today, it is rock to rock. Here I go.
