Does This Look Easy?

My friend Lynn, who I refer to as my, “other mother,” called the other night. She calls somewhat regularly to see how I am and tells me I am a good kid. “You are doing it,” she says, reminding me I have a home, a successful career, and that I self-published a book. Not to mention I am managing my own health care; digging for a diagnosis and trying to heal.  Her words are meant to make me feel good, but like everyone in this global pandemic, I just want to raise my white flags. I am tired and I really just want to get in my car and drive non-stop until I hit saltwater that is warm enough to soak in. Instead, I put on my game face and prepare for another day and try not to hate people who have been able to take a vacation.

If I make this look easy at all, then I must be really good. Generally, when I wake up, my first thought is, “fuck.” Usually, I want to sleep longer than I do though I sleep between 9-11 hours a night. The days in Minnesota are now cold and there is little sun. What I have most to look forward to is an occasional cross-country ski with a friend or grocery delivery. I relent more than ever that I didn’t find a partner and have a family. Much of my focus is self-care which can be tedious, especially when you are not sure you are making progress. I think we are all wondering if we are getting anywhere at this time.

When I do catch up with most people walking, skiing, or on the phone, the first question is usually if I am working. I know that as a twenty-year freelancer in one of the worst economic times I have faced, it is normal for others to ask if I am working. Working gives us a sense of safety. Some control. Yes, I am working. I have to work and I am fortunate to have work. I am trying to not work full-time because there is that health thing I am doing. I am trying to manage my health and potentially heal. This probably takes 15-20 hours a week. Hence, I am peddling a book about a blow-up doll to make a few extra bucks. Even if I had capacity for fulltime work, it would not be enough to cover my current medical expenses.

As I observe society sadly through social media and sometimes the honest words of friends, I see wonderful changes making people be more appreciative and compassionate, but we are still missing a pretty large note here. Even in a global pandemic while individuals may appreciate their health more, they still do not value it. Our society is not present in holding people space for people to heal and recover. The body wants to recover, but it needs time, rest, and nutrients to do so. We, as capitalists, never skip a beat in what we see as moving forward. All I see is rushing ourselves to the end.

I take supplements five times a day. A shot in my butt once a week. Three times a week a holistic treatment under the tongue.  I keep a spreadsheet where I check off my doses. Last Monday I went to a lab for lab work. Tuesday a phlebotomist came to my house for more blood work. I have another test I have to do where I have to pee in a cup, but I have to do a certain amount of activity before, etc. The instructions include a video and I have not had the capacity to watch it. I have to email between doctors asking questions and flagging concerns. I manage future appointments in the order that seems appropriate. I review medical bills against my claims to make sure they match before I pay them. This felt like a really like week.

I am on a pretty clean diet that can not only be tedious, but it is also important for me to have nutritious things prepped. The time I spend meal prepping, searching for recipes, and standing over a stove, I should be cooking for a large family.

And then there is self-care. I go to acupuncture at least twice a month. I believe in its healing powers. I afford myself a massage once a month. I consider a need. Occasionally I go to the chiropractor. I am currently in EMDR therapy once a week. I am active every day and try to get outside most days, but “workouts” are in the past. I do dance classes if I have the energy or gentle yoga if I do not. Again, shitty weather or not, I make myself get outside everyday even for a few minutes. I do different forms of meditation regularly. A few times a week I soak for an extended amount of time in an Epsom salt bath. I recently joined an online support group. I had been dating someone for a bit in the pandemic and it was nice to have the company and someone to eat with, but this person was incapable of taking off any load, rather adding to it.  He seemed to be getting less cautious about the virus, so I ended it knowing that I would be losing the company, but my health came first. 

Deciding to start the protocol for a Naturopath MD was not an easy decision and I trust me I question if I am delusional, but all doctors only had a theory on what is happening and how to treat it. My Naturopath MD’s theory in approach is that we need to boost the immune system while going after the pathogen’s as well as getting the gut in proper health. I am continuing testing and care.

 My other doctor’s theory is to take immune suppressive therapy. This would hopefully stop my immune system from over-reacting to high levels of stress with an Optic Neuritis attack. We don’t know if it would work or how long we would have to suppress the immune system and it opens me up to other infection. In the end I align more with the theory of the Naturopath MD.  

My objective is to find the issues in my body and heal them. After taking many tests here is what we have found (Note: these tests are not standard protocol for traditional American MD’s and I am not a medical professional and I am not giving advice. Just sharing my experience.):

·      I have multiple pathogens showing up or indications of them.

·      Gut bio has several markers that are very high or very low. One in particular that stands out and is extremely high is Helicobacter Pylori. It indicated bacterial infection.

·      My CD57 NK white blood cell count is extremely (basically nothing) low. This also indicates my body is fighting infection and is a test used to see if Lyme’s has potentially been missed. My white blood cell count was extremely low in 2017 when this started.

·      My Immunoglobulin G’s are low and again, looking back they have been since this started. (White blood cells and Igg’s are what I understand as your immune system’s soldiers.)

·      I show indication I have a parasite. This is does not surprise me based on all the places I have traveled.

·      I show that I have a high-level Human Herpes Virus 6. It is a common virus, but is associated with neuroinflammation and has some ties to Optic Neuritis. 

I will post what I am taking, but mainly it is high and refined doses of things like vitamin B, turmeric, garlic bulb, and oregano. I have noticed changes in the last 9 days. My energy is staying up longer. I have been wanting to stay up to 10:00 – 10:30 this week. Before I couldn’t stay up that late. I had been battling a sty (bacterial infection) since mid-November and even had it lanced about a month ago.  For weeks, it would start to look better one day and then I would wake up the next and my whole lid would be swollen again. I would use warm compresses and creams prescribed by the doctors and nothing seemed to help. I could not take antibiotics because prednisone had already shredded my stomach. It was large and put pressure on my eye.

It was still swollen and red until this last week where it drained and bruised again and now there is no sign of it. I kept asking my doctors why my body could not fight a little sty, while I kept it clean and put compresses and medications on it. They had no answer.