Do I have a Diagnosis?
Four Years
One hospitalization in a foreign country
Two misdiagnoses of MS
Countless hours on the phone and filling out forms to fight insurance
At least forty doctors
Close to a thousand vials of blood
Insurance claims hundreds of pages long
Four spinal taps, two deemed obsolete
Hundreds of hours at the doctor
The guilt of thinking I have done so much wrong
Lots of acupuncture
Rejecting a handful of medications I was not comfortable with
Abandonment
Several arguments with practitioners
Tens and tens of thousands of dollars
Too many late nights reading about what it could be
Twenty-some MRI’s
Hundreds of eye tests
A dozen trips to the Mayo
Three major allergic reactions one resulting in a visit from a paramedic
Lots of fights with mom
Over twelve months of prednisone fucking hell. Prednisone is hell for me.
A handful of ended friendships when I wasn’t myself due to trauma and prednisone
Countless tears
Realizing my support system
Seeing the void of those who were supposed to be there, but were not
Far too many IV’s
A book about a blow-up doll I hoped would save me
The most intense feelings of loneliness and isolation
A few lost clients
Two crap boyfriends and one piece of shit
Lots of gratitude
A shaman
Lots of healers
Four San Pedro ceremonies
Many feelings that I was failing
Everybody’s fucking opinion
Strict food protocols
The weight of constant disappointment
Leaving my industry to run back to it
Shedding my home over and over so I feel like I fit somewhere
Thousands of walks
Lots of days asking why
Hundreds of Epsom baths where I tried to drown my pain
Endless days of waking up wondering if I will be able to fix this before I go blind
Needed therapy sessions
The support of dozens of friends
All the fight I didn’t think I’d find
The greatest moments of joy
More weight than I could bear
My body defying me
My body evolving
The loss of vision in my right eye
An exhale of relief that I won’t lose who I am
A feeling of complete exhaustion
A doctor thinks there is a diagnosis and now I am wondering if it is true because it took me so long to get there.
